A Cleveland institution

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A Cleveland institution

Postby tmazanec1 » Aug 30, 2014 3:25 pm

For almost half a century, there was a weekly movie show on Channel 8 that showed B (and sometimes C) movies, mostly sic-fi and horror, first hosted by Goulardi, then Houlihan and Big Chuck, and then Big Chuck and Little John. The movies ran half an hour longer than normal, because they added to the commercials with skits that were usually better than the movies. I am a frequent Jokemaster at Toastmasters, and use their stuff for my jokes. The number of skits is well up into 4 digits. Here are some of the ones good for "telling" (as opposed to visual gags and such) edited for modern technology and changed names (BJ is Polish, and used "certain ethnic" characters). If you like them, there is almost a score of DVDs available on their website http://bigchuckandliljohn.com and more coming.

Mr. Smith is laying on his deathbed. He calls his son to him and says
"Junior, it's been a good life, but it's The End."
"Don't say that, Father."
"Even at the end my own son is telling me what to say."
"OK, Father...it's the end."
"Junior, I liked it better when you were arguing with me. My last request is that you give me some of Mother's apple strudel. I will die happy then."
Junior goes out and comes back
"Mother says you can't have any strudel."
"Why on Earth not?"
"Because the strudel is for after the funeral."

John and Jack are hiking in a National Park, and Jack sits down on a log. He is immediately bitten by a rattlesnake on the butt. So John whips out his cell phone and calls the Ranger station. He explains what happened, and asks the Ranger what to do. The Ranger says to cut an incision around the bite, and suck the venom out. John hangs up the phone and looks at Jack.
"What did the Ranger say?"
"The Ranger said...you're gonna die."

An Old Timer was talking to a young gunslinger in the Old West and says "Ringo, your brain is not the fastest bullet in the gun, but you remind me of myself when I was young, so I'm going to give you a little bit of advice. Always shoot first and ask questions later."
Ringo shoots the Old Timer and asks "Why is that?"

A couple men walk into a bank and ask for $5000 to start a jewelry store. The banker asks "How can you start a jewelry store with just $5000?"
"Well, most of it will be for the getaway car, then there's glass cutters, lock picks..."

Mr. Smith goes to his doctor and says
"Doctor, my ear is stuffed up and I can't hear well out of it."
The doctor looks in his ear, then reaches in with pincers and pulls something out.
"Mr. Smith, you have a suppository stuck in you ear!"
"Oh no, now I know what I did with my hearing aid!"

Mr. Big is at the hide-out, getting ready for the bank heist.
"Choo-choo will drive the getaway car, Louie and Mumbles will hold up the tellers, Sticky Fingers can load the money up, but where's Yegg with the nitro?"
He calls Yegg on the cell phone and asks when he will get there.
Yegg replies "I can't make it, I was called for Jury Duty!"

There are literally thousands more like this.
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